Sometimes the smallest things can set me off and it feels totally out of my control.
Boyfriend is home late from football and his dinner is in the oven. Secretly I had already accounted for this lateness and so dinner would be fine, but he didn’t know that… Cue ridiculous, overboard anger.
Boyfriend and I are having a tiff, nothing serious, but then he gives me the eye roll… Cue volcanic proportions of fury.
Boyfriend and I are organising our weekend activities, I have asked him to add specific dates he is away to the calendar, he hasn’t done it and we have now double-booked… Cue full meltdown.
It feels like there is something stirring in my stomach and I want to scream or lash out or throw anything within reach, I want to hurt people, including myself. In that moment I feel like a crazy person and I don’t care who hears or sees, I have lost all sense of human decency.
My anger is something I have been aware of for almost a year now, and to be honest, it has never been an issue before. It may seem like Boyfriend is appearing to be the catalyst, but this isn’t the case, he is just usually the only one around to take it out on, unfortunately for him. In fact, unless I have openly spoken about it, it is unlikely it is something that even friends or family would be aware of.
It isn’t something I have picked up throughout my childhood, Mother avoids confrontation at all costs and prefers to quietly exit the room during arguments. It isn’t something that has always been with me, in fact, I would describe myself as fairly laid back in most situations… It began during a slightly more stressful period of my life, a time where I had to overcome obstacles that were completely new to me and I didn’t know how to tackle them. Rather than show weakness or speak to people, I seemed to have developed anger as a defence mechanism, and it doesn’t work.
Over the last few months I have been taking steps to avoid getting to this point. The most successful being to take a step back and ask myself 3 questions:
- Is this going to matter this time next year?
- Is this going to matter this time next week?
- Does this really matter now?
I have never answered yes to any of these questions.
Obviously this isn’t foolproof, I can ask myself the above and still act out like a rabid dog, but it forces me to take the time to think about what I am doing and the way I then choose to act. I wish that I could be calmer, I wish I could be that person that bites their tongue and acts with their head over their heart. But anger aside, I am happy that this isn’t the case. I am passionate and fiery, as long as I remember to check myself every now and again, I think I’ll be okay.