#1, HAVING CHILDREN
Babies don’t really like me, I don’t know how to act around infants, the handshake followed by an obligatory “How’d you do?” goes down like a lead balloon. Will my own baby like me? Will I like it? I just called my future child ‘it’. FML.
What if I can’t even get pregnant? Us ladies are leaving it later and later in life, what if I’ve dried up? My eggs are spent? Could I do an Angelina?
How young is too young and how old is too late? My frown lines are getting deeper with each idiot I have to communicate with, which FYI, seems to be on an almost hourly basis.
Do I even believe in cosmetic surgery? I still want to grow old gracefully… Just with a miraculously smooth forehead and high arches.
#3, BUYING A HOUSE
As soon as my savings account reaches a respectable figure I go AWOL and buy an overpriced rug that I absolutely do not need. Unless I stumble upon a pot of gold or find myself victim of an accidental £1,000,000 transfer, it is unlikely many banks are going to fund my house buying fancies.
Will Boyfriend ever be romantic/foolish enough to pop the question or will I be plagued by a life of great aunties asking me when I’m finally going to settle down? Will I even be able to afford a wedding? Will my flower crown be as bohemian chic as the girls on Pinterest? Should I start collecting Mason Jars now? Maybe we should just save ourselves the ridiculously overpriced charade and elope…. Maybe I should go bold and marry myself?
#5, GREY HAIR
Something tells me that my silver strands are not the envy of trendy twenty-somethings ‘favouriting’ the faux blue rinse on Instagram.
When will I not hate my job? Is this even a thing?!
#7, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I GET AWAY WITH WATCHING SHIT TV?
Can I really still get away with watching TOWIE or Awkward in my thirties? What if I just don’t tell anyone? Probably, definitely, absolutely need to stop watching Homeware Hauls on YouTube though.
Do I know enough? Should I know more? Do people my age read newspapers? Should I be subscribed to something a little more highbrow than the ‘My Dad Wrote a Porno’ podcast? But it’s so funny…
Am I drinking too much coffee? This post leads me to believe the answer to this question is DEAR GOD YES.
I need to set my heating to automatic to avoid damp. Should I also keep a window open? Definitely no washing on radiators though. Is this week recycling and bins or just recycling? Did I turn the slower cooker on this morning? Did I turn the landing light off? Did I EVEN lock the door?!
Oh how I long for the days of getting pissed on cheap gin and forgetting my own address.