An Unsent Letter To My Father

I don’t like to talk about my feelings.

‘I feel like you are being a dick’ or ‘I feel like you should stop talking’ come easily enough. But real, true feelings, ones that actually mean something, ones that make a difference, those stay put.

Sometimes something as simple as ‘I love you’ feels foreign and uncomfortable on my tongue, when inside I am performing the Moulin Rouge – Elephant Love Medley.

Boyfriend openly congratulates me when I cry, because it reminds him that I do in fact have a heart, and that it isn’t, as is so often believed, made entirely of stone.

And then I found this, something I had written back in 2008 with no intent to ever send or see the light of day and it reminded me that…  We are all who we are.

We haven’t got to this place by accident, this isn’t chance or luck or fate. Every piece of our existence has contributed to us and it will continue to do so. So, stop. Stop wishing you were more like Laura, stop punishing yourself for things going wrong,  stop trying to be something that you’re not… ’cause for the most part, you’re doing okay.

***

I’m not doing this to drag up the past Dad, God knows that won’t help us now. I just need you to realise what you did.

The day I discovered how and when you left, something inside me stopped. Stopped caring, stopped trying. I felt like an empty shell of a person because, to you, somebody who is supposed to treasure me above all else, that’s all I was.

It’s funny how one person, who you were never close to in the first place, can change so dramatically how you feel about yourself. Watching you being a father to your other children was like a knife being twisted in a little further, and I started to question myself. Why was I so worthless to you, what had I done?

After months, even years, of searching for answers I realise that it isn’t me that is in the wrong. You have taught me so many lessons that you could never even know about. Watching you has taught me about the kind of person I want to be, more importantly about the kind I don’t. And yeah, I still have questions, a part of me still wants to scream and shout at you for not being there, for not allowing me to have something that I should never have to ask for in the first place. But I can rise above it; I am stronger than you will ever be.

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