If my CV wasn’t so full of shit.

Name: Lucy Dannan-Aspinall

Age: Somewhere between getting pissed in a barn and organising appointments with a mortgage advisor.

Email: lucy_behavin_bad@hotmail.com  Something mature, preferably gmail – will come back to this.

Something unique about me that I think you won’t have read before but you almost definitely will have.

I work well within a team but also alone. 

Experience

2014 – Present – IT-ish Person, Kind Of: Pretending to know stuff about computers but realistically just asking people if they have switched it off and on again.

2013 – 2014 – Personal Assistant to the Managing Director: Sounds impressive, right? This role entailed learning to cope with said MD’s horrific anger management issues, reminding him of upcoming birthdays or dates of note, and keeping an eye out for the friendly resident crack fiend.

Sometime – Waitress: Eating inordinate quantities of falafel and shmokin’ da ganja at staff meetings.

2012 – 2013 – Travelling and shiz: Predominantly getting dangerously intoxicated and sweating it out on the beach the following day but also culture and temples, something about learning to communicate with people from varying walks of life. Did I mention culture? And temples?

2010 – 2012 – HR Assistant: Communicating with both management and shop floor staff over 150 stores but primarily discussing Donkey Punching, how to SuperMan and ones preferred position within a human centipede.

Sometime before that – Christmas Temp Sales Assistant: Here I contracted my first urine infection and spent a lot of time in the basement toilet fearing that I may never be able to leave – needless to say I made no lifelong friends and was not invited back in the new year.

Education

School – Literally, nobody cares.

College – I wish nobody cared.

University – Seriously, can we not.

Skills/Hobbies:

  • Proficient in Paint.
  • Excellent communicator, unless I dislike you intensely in which case I will go out of my way to eradicate you from my immediate vicinity.
  • Problem solver, read – capable Googler.
  • Keeping fit (lololololololololol).

A suitable contact for references will be provided upon request, depending on what exactly you need to know.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “If my CV wasn’t so full of shit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s